Murmurs of my Heart

DISCLAIMER: Moving my post here from my previous blog (which is now closed). This one is so important for me, hence, this deserves to be the first post to this new blog I've got now. :))

3:33PM

Oct.02.2015

It's been so long since I've posted here. I was just a student back then, with nothing to do in life but just to rant somewhere. Now, I'm starting it all over again. Not because I'm depressed (since that's the goal of this blog before, haha!), but just to express myself in terms of writing (or rather, typing).

Well, oh well, it's been like after 3 years? Hahaha. So much has changed. So many days has passed. And with that, I can say that I've grown. Not in terms of height of course, but in terms of maturity and stuff like that. Hahahaha! Nagmature nga ba? I dunno. Maybe. I hope. Hahaha.

I'm writing this now because I've got mixed emotions running through my whole system. Like really whole system.

If you've been reading this blog (if ever I've got readers, haha), you'll be able to notice that all my posts are pertaining to someone that I can't even give a name, Hahaha. Of course, it's all about privacy. Hahahaha. But then again, I was college back then. Wala akong ibang ginawa kundi tumambay sa comp shop, and then what? Watch koreanovelas, watch dance videos, surf the net, stuffs like that. Then  I discovered blogspot. That gave me an idea to express my feelings for HIM there. Yeap, I was literally sharing my moments with him in this very blog, even if I know that no one can ever read that. I can't even share it to my friends because for sure, they'll just get mad at me. Why? Because I became stupid for some guy who didn't fall for me. Oh well, I can say yeah, I liked someone who is not even looking at me the same way I was looking for him. I was so crazy about him during those times. But then I realized, nothing has changed. It's just me. The great MU (Mag-isang Umiibig). Hahaha. How ironic is that? Lols.

To cut the story short, we graduated, we separated, with me still hoping that someday, someone will love me the way I love someone (kahit di na siya, may girlfriend na siya eh, haha) . Because all I wish is just simple: to be loved by someone who I also love. That's every girl's dream right? Days, months, years passed.. All of my friends are already in a relationship. And me? Ayun, nananatiling single. Nanatiling dakilang adviser ng mga heartbroken kong friends. I went out with my friends more. Bar? Oh yes. Mall? Oh definitely yes. I've met guys sa bar, pero ako, wala akong magustuhan. Because all of them wants the same thing, and ako, of course I won't give that to someone I don't trust and also to someone that I don't love. I've tried dating sites and all. Pero all I've got are just douchebags and jerks. I even went on a date with my elementary friend (call it a date but it's more of a reunion only though. haha). I thought something magical will happen between the two of us, pero ano naman ang magical sa isang taong lagi ka na lang hahanapan ng kiss? Like seriously? I've got textmates before, pero wala eh. I liked someone before, turns out gay naman. So, seriously world? What's the problem? Hahahahaha!

And then everything changed. I was busy with my work. Literally busy, 'coz I became an SME for a certain group. I didn't expect anything to happen, but again, something happened. Something big definitely happened. I fell in love with someone. I was not expecting it that time, but yeah, I fell for someone. Someone that I didn't expect. We've got issues between the two of us, and I even said no that first time she confessed to me, Yep, a girl. As always expectation ng tao sakin iba. But the hell I care? I was the great denial queen before. I keep on saying no, no I won't fall for her. But I just ate my words. I just felt like she's the best thing that happened to me. I mean, I can easily say no, and just go away, pero I feel like she's so important to me that I can't let her go. Oo, she's so sweet and all. Pero diba? Ang bilis ng mga pangyayari. We became a couple and all. Pero ang dami dami pa rin issues sa side ko, sa side niya, pero kung tutuusin pwede na akong bumitaw. Pero hindi eh. Di ko ginawa, Why? Because I enjoy every moment that I have with her. I always say na everything went so easy when I met her. Dami daming nagbago, I always feel happy. Though we have tampuhan every now and then, I'm not giving up. Kasi I'm so happy even if it's not showing. Hahahaha.

Pero ngayon? She discovered this blog. The very same blog where I wrote all the feelings I've got for "that someone". I thought there will be no problems in terms of this. Pero no, nasasaktan siya sa mga nababasa niya. Pero kasi sakin wala na yun ih, Wala na talaga. And then she told me na is it destiny na yung mga ginagawa namin dati, ginagawa namin ngayon. Like WHAT THE! I can't help it. I don't know if I'll get mad, kasi napagiisipan ako ng mga ganung bagay. Or should I feel sad. Kasi, ano yun kulang pa ba ang mga ginagawa ko? Now, I feel like na lahat ng gagawin ko yun na iisipin niya. At di ko kaya yun. For someone, someone whose important to you, will doubt everything that you're doing. Ang sakit sakit. Nakaklungkot. Gusto ko na lang ibato lahat ng pwede kong ibato ng mabasa ko yung message niya. Ang bigat bigat sa dibdib. Sobra. Per what can I do? WHAT SHOULD I DO? I really don't know. She wants to talk to me, pero I don't know what should I say.

Boss, if you will be reading this one day, eto lang masasabi ko sayo: Please,stop thinking about my past anymore, Yes, naging part siya ng buhay ko, pero wala na yun. You keep on saying na forgetting him is not an overnight work. But, hello, it's been how many years? Yung sinasabi mong ramdam na ramdam mo nung nagkukwento ako? Wala na sakin yun. I don't even know why we are even talking about it. Ayoko na. Tama na. Di na yun dapat pag usapan pa.

You don't know how happy I am everytime na magkasama tayo. Sabi mo let's start again, with memories na tayo lang nakakaalam at first time lang natin gawin. Bakit? Being with you is a first to begin with. Sabi ko walang naging 'KAMI' dati. So walang nangyari. May mga moments na ganun, pero ang lahat ng yun, ako lang nakakaalam. Yung satin, parehas nating alam. |Parehas nating alam. Don't you think na di pa yun sapat para patunayan na you're the first of everything? The first kiss, Oo we kissed because of some stupid game -_- Pero yung sayo, sayong yung kinoconsider ko na first ko. Again, everything is a FIRST with you. I gave you everything that I can give. So, please.

Everything is so magical when Im with you. That monthsary that we had, though it's only the first, hinding hindi ko siya makakalimutan. That was one of my unforgettable nights that I've had, kahit pagsama-samahin ko pa ang moments ko with him. Im not sure if you'll ever believe me, pero yun talaga eh. Yun talaga eh. So please, my only wish for you is to forget that past of mine. If you really want to remove everything that I felt before with that person (meaning the pain and hurt before), please stop reminding me about that person. Kung tutuusin, hindi na dapat kasi wala na naman eh. Pero ikaw, please stop doing it. For both of us. I love you no matter what. Di mo ba ramdam yun?

---Gen ♥