Quarantine Blues

Here I am again, writing on this blog. Even if no one reads it, I don't know, I still find writing to be one of the best therapeutic steps especially these days that I am super bored. Luckily for me, I am on quarantine again. Yep, quarantine. And that's because of this COVID thingy that hit me the second time around.

It's been so long since I've written here, and there's so many things that already happened. For one, last time I've written a post here, it sounded like we're on the brink of ending things already. Well, we're always like that anyway whenever we fight too hard (mainly because of the timely entrance of hormonal changes to the both of us haha!). Looking back, I guess we've already matured enough that remembering those days were like a joke already. Going back, yeah apart from the maturation of our relationship, a lot has changed also into the world.  Politically wise, we have a new president and the irony of it all, he's the son of a previous dictator of the country. Well, good thing I didn't vote as my preferred President-to-be is still focused on his municipality. Guess it would take time for me to vote again. 

Secondly, we have purchased a house. Yay! And all thanks to Tita Eden because without her, it would be super impossible for us to purchase one as we can't have both rent and amortization to be paid at the same time. So now, we're focused on saving money for the materials we need for fixing the house before we move in. Speaking of saving, well, we're not really doing that good as we're in the middle of financial struggle. As you can see, for the past years, we've switched companies and have tried to be on night shift. However, night shift is apparently not for us so we switched back to a dayshift job and well, you guess it right, it's a huge change on our monetary aspect so we're still in a pickle right now on that department. But I know we'll get there, in time. 

Third, here comes COVID. Yeah, pandemic started last 2020 and this made all the huge changes not just for us but for everyone. We were all locked down on our houses. Introverts celebrated of course, but it was slow pain for extroverts. Good thing I consider myself as an ambivert - depending on my mood I can change from one wave to another real quick. Going back to COVID, just when I thought that we were spared, come January 2021 a surge happened and guess what? Yeah, we were infected. Luckily for us, it was not that severe compared to others. We did not experience those days where they have to wait outside hospital doors, patiently sitting under hospital makeshift tents, while the others, were just waiting to die without even seeing a doctor's gown for an initial check up. Too much right? Well, I'm just so happy that the whole world was able to get pass through it. Of course we won't forget those people who have sacrificed a lot, and it's something that we will not be able to forget in our lifetime.

So yeah after being afflicted with COVID 2 years ago, I was again with it this year, and just right before my birth month! This time, almost every one here got infected unlike last time, it was only Bosskiee and I. And because I'm on pandemic leave, I got back to writing because on my 2nd day of pandemic leave, I'm already bored to death! This would be a much enjoyable scene if I'm not alone at this house, and if Bosskiee and I are both here enjoying movie marathons and everything. But yeah, I guess I have to learn not to be bored because I'll get back to work by next week still, so I still have a few days left in my bucket to take on.

Well, what's the bottom line of this rambling I'm doing? I guess even if there are so much unexpected things that may happen to us, it's still nice to be thankful for all the little blessings that we get along the way. As they say, things may not work out at times the way you want them to be, but there's always a reason for everything and that you may not get what you want right now, but in good timing, it will be. 

I may be this bored right now, but looking at the bright side, I am still thankful as I get to rest and reflect on things that I have done and will do in the future. Still wishing though that I still have Bosskiee with me the whole day. Guess I have to stick to myself for now ;)

Changes in our Lives

Date: September 4, 2019
Time: 12:14 PM

Disclaimer: This post was made while waiting for another call..

Yes, you read it right. I'm taking in calls again. That means, I'm back in the BPO world. Nothing to worry though, this was my choice. For a change, I guess. ;)

Ahh, change. Such a little word but has a huge impact on our lives. A change can be exciting, but for some, it's scary. And for me, that depends on where you see the changes coming from. Is it from something bad changing to something good? If yes, then kudos! That's a change that everybody would want. However, what if it's about a change from something that's already good that has become bad, or worse? Would that be the change that you'll be looking forward to? I bet you won't.

As the cliche goes, "Change is the only thing permanent in this world."No one can stop it, no one can avoid it. But sometimes, those changes that we don't want to happen, are those changes that will break you into pieces --changes that you'll ask yourself "Why are you experiencing it?" or "Why me?" And sometimes, even if it tears you apart, you don't have a choice but to stand up and stay strong, even if you don't have the strength anymore.

It just saddens me that someone I knew for so long has already changed a lot. Someone so sweet, someone so good, I dunno, has changed into someone that I can't even recognize anymore. That person has already changed to a persona of a stranger - someone that you can't even open up your heart fully. Someone you feel like you'll get a judgment on your side. And sometimes, I ask myself: Is this still the same person I've known for years? Or was I not able to distinguish the real side of this person before then? Is this the real personality that this person has from the start? Am I just too blind to see it before? Those are the questions that is running to my mind every now and then, questions that even I don't know the answer. Questions that I don't even want to get the answers to it as I'm afraid of what those answers are in store for me. And it just breaks my heart little by little. Crying at night alone won't even help. And most of the time, I feel so alone with those thoughts.

Let me ask you: How come that someone so quiet and peaceful becomes this person full of rage and hatred? How come that a person can change that much? Is it because of the kind of environment he/she is in? Is it the kind of people he/she is around? Or most likely, is it because of you? Have you changed as well that's why this person have changed this much? I don't know the answer to that. But one thing's for sure- this person is not the same person I've known before. Time's have changed, and so did she. and at some point, I feel like it's just isn't worth the fight to fix what went wrong. ♥

Something to Ponder ❤

All relationships has its own ups and downs. And I can say that we are not an excuse to this phenomenon. Lately, we had arguments, like HUGE arguments to reasons that we can say as NONSENSE. But nevertheless, we always find ourselves together in each other's arms. Why?

Well, let me tell you something. The saying "Love is a choice" really do sound like as a cliche already, but actually, that's the truth. With all the arguments that we've had, I realized that this special thing that we have is something worth fighting for.  Sabi nga nila, you will only be able to determine that he/she is the one if you imagine yourself to be with that person in the future already. Yes, we do have misunderstandings na para bang aso at pusa na ang drama namin. But you know what? Whatever we argue about, the magic of love always comes in, making its way thru our hearts to be back in each others arms again. No matter how harsh the words we've thrown at each other, no matter how many tears we've cried.. Still, we have each other. No matter how hard it is. No matter how difficult the situation. No matter how others try to tear you both apart. Because in the end, no matter how much hate you have in your heart, there will always be a special place that love can only intervene. In the end, love conquers everything. ❤

**Sometime while I'm on duty ✌

First Day High ♥

Yehey! At last! I am officially resigned! (Do I really have to be this happy? :D) 

Well, I AM quite happy. Staying with the same company for almost five years ( 4 years and 8 months to be exact) can be quite boring. Same tasks, with almost the same people, with little growth and too much stress? Yeah right, anyone will definitely would want to separate from their company. But hey, it's not that bad at all. My stay with my previous company had made changes to my lief, like 360-degree turnaround change. It made me a better person - bolder, fiercer. I became a little bit of the assertive one compared before. And I made quite a few friends there as well. :) Actually, that was the only main reason why I stayed that long apart from not having any backup plans. Those colleagues I've made has become my friends as well- someone that I've trusted to share my stories every now and then.

But then, change is the only thing permanent thing in this world. Little by little, my friends started to change companies. And well, I was the only one left. I still have some friends there, but not the same as those who left me. And the stress just continued to build up. Something that I cannot bear any longer. Then--

Freelancing. Big word. Something I've encountered before, but I didn't really paid much attention not until now. Suddenly, it became a feasible back up plan for me. Writing articles and such became an exciting task to me again. And the fact that I can work at my own pace without the pressure and stress of talking to different customers? Hey, that's really a nice plan right?

So much for the long story, as today is my first day! Yey! ^_^

I am still trying to work things out. I am currently working on a platform called Upwork, and I've already tried sending proposals to some jobs that I think I can start working on as a trial. As of this writing, I haven't received any response yet. But hey! I'm not into the  giving-up mood yet. This is just the start,(as if I am the only freelancer in the word haha!), I am not losing any hopes. Based on what I've read, some freelancers have waited for days before that first message popped up. I am just waiting for the right time for me. I don't know if the proposals I've sent are correct, or even worth-reading,but who knows? As long as I believe that I can, I know that I will definitely succeed in this career. 

So for my next post, I am praying that I already got my first job in Upwork. I will defnitely give tips of course. After all, I learned things through reading blog posts like this. :)

Murmurs of my Heart

DISCLAIMER: Moving my post here from my previous blog (which is now closed). This one is so important for me, hence, this deserves to be the first post to this new blog I've got now. :))

3:33PM

Oct.02.2015

It's been so long since I've posted here. I was just a student back then, with nothing to do in life but just to rant somewhere. Now, I'm starting it all over again. Not because I'm depressed (since that's the goal of this blog before, haha!), but just to express myself in terms of writing (or rather, typing).

Well, oh well, it's been like after 3 years? Hahaha. So much has changed. So many days has passed. And with that, I can say that I've grown. Not in terms of height of course, but in terms of maturity and stuff like that. Hahahaha! Nagmature nga ba? I dunno. Maybe. I hope. Hahaha.

I'm writing this now because I've got mixed emotions running through my whole system. Like really whole system.

If you've been reading this blog (if ever I've got readers, haha), you'll be able to notice that all my posts are pertaining to someone that I can't even give a name, Hahaha. Of course, it's all about privacy. Hahahaha. But then again, I was college back then. Wala akong ibang ginawa kundi tumambay sa comp shop, and then what? Watch koreanovelas, watch dance videos, surf the net, stuffs like that. Then  I discovered blogspot. That gave me an idea to express my feelings for HIM there. Yeap, I was literally sharing my moments with him in this very blog, even if I know that no one can ever read that. I can't even share it to my friends because for sure, they'll just get mad at me. Why? Because I became stupid for some guy who didn't fall for me. Oh well, I can say yeah, I liked someone who is not even looking at me the same way I was looking for him. I was so crazy about him during those times. But then I realized, nothing has changed. It's just me. The great MU (Mag-isang Umiibig). Hahaha. How ironic is that? Lols.

To cut the story short, we graduated, we separated, with me still hoping that someday, someone will love me the way I love someone (kahit di na siya, may girlfriend na siya eh, haha) . Because all I wish is just simple: to be loved by someone who I also love. That's every girl's dream right? Days, months, years passed.. All of my friends are already in a relationship. And me? Ayun, nananatiling single. Nanatiling dakilang adviser ng mga heartbroken kong friends. I went out with my friends more. Bar? Oh yes. Mall? Oh definitely yes. I've met guys sa bar, pero ako, wala akong magustuhan. Because all of them wants the same thing, and ako, of course I won't give that to someone I don't trust and also to someone that I don't love. I've tried dating sites and all. Pero all I've got are just douchebags and jerks. I even went on a date with my elementary friend (call it a date but it's more of a reunion only though. haha). I thought something magical will happen between the two of us, pero ano naman ang magical sa isang taong lagi ka na lang hahanapan ng kiss? Like seriously? I've got textmates before, pero wala eh. I liked someone before, turns out gay naman. So, seriously world? What's the problem? Hahahahaha!

And then everything changed. I was busy with my work. Literally busy, 'coz I became an SME for a certain group. I didn't expect anything to happen, but again, something happened. Something big definitely happened. I fell in love with someone. I was not expecting it that time, but yeah, I fell for someone. Someone that I didn't expect. We've got issues between the two of us, and I even said no that first time she confessed to me, Yep, a girl. As always expectation ng tao sakin iba. But the hell I care? I was the great denial queen before. I keep on saying no, no I won't fall for her. But I just ate my words. I just felt like she's the best thing that happened to me. I mean, I can easily say no, and just go away, pero I feel like she's so important to me that I can't let her go. Oo, she's so sweet and all. Pero diba? Ang bilis ng mga pangyayari. We became a couple and all. Pero ang dami dami pa rin issues sa side ko, sa side niya, pero kung tutuusin pwede na akong bumitaw. Pero hindi eh. Di ko ginawa, Why? Because I enjoy every moment that I have with her. I always say na everything went so easy when I met her. Dami daming nagbago, I always feel happy. Though we have tampuhan every now and then, I'm not giving up. Kasi I'm so happy even if it's not showing. Hahahaha.

Pero ngayon? She discovered this blog. The very same blog where I wrote all the feelings I've got for "that someone". I thought there will be no problems in terms of this. Pero no, nasasaktan siya sa mga nababasa niya. Pero kasi sakin wala na yun ih, Wala na talaga. And then she told me na is it destiny na yung mga ginagawa namin dati, ginagawa namin ngayon. Like WHAT THE! I can't help it. I don't know if I'll get mad, kasi napagiisipan ako ng mga ganung bagay. Or should I feel sad. Kasi, ano yun kulang pa ba ang mga ginagawa ko? Now, I feel like na lahat ng gagawin ko yun na iisipin niya. At di ko kaya yun. For someone, someone whose important to you, will doubt everything that you're doing. Ang sakit sakit. Nakaklungkot. Gusto ko na lang ibato lahat ng pwede kong ibato ng mabasa ko yung message niya. Ang bigat bigat sa dibdib. Sobra. Per what can I do? WHAT SHOULD I DO? I really don't know. She wants to talk to me, pero I don't know what should I say.

Boss, if you will be reading this one day, eto lang masasabi ko sayo: Please,stop thinking about my past anymore, Yes, naging part siya ng buhay ko, pero wala na yun. You keep on saying na forgetting him is not an overnight work. But, hello, it's been how many years? Yung sinasabi mong ramdam na ramdam mo nung nagkukwento ako? Wala na sakin yun. I don't even know why we are even talking about it. Ayoko na. Tama na. Di na yun dapat pag usapan pa.

You don't know how happy I am everytime na magkasama tayo. Sabi mo let's start again, with memories na tayo lang nakakaalam at first time lang natin gawin. Bakit? Being with you is a first to begin with. Sabi ko walang naging 'KAMI' dati. So walang nangyari. May mga moments na ganun, pero ang lahat ng yun, ako lang nakakaalam. Yung satin, parehas nating alam. |Parehas nating alam. Don't you think na di pa yun sapat para patunayan na you're the first of everything? The first kiss, Oo we kissed because of some stupid game -_- Pero yung sayo, sayong yung kinoconsider ko na first ko. Again, everything is a FIRST with you. I gave you everything that I can give. So, please.

Everything is so magical when Im with you. That monthsary that we had, though it's only the first, hinding hindi ko siya makakalimutan. That was one of my unforgettable nights that I've had, kahit pagsama-samahin ko pa ang moments ko with him. Im not sure if you'll ever believe me, pero yun talaga eh. Yun talaga eh. So please, my only wish for you is to forget that past of mine. If you really want to remove everything that I felt before with that person (meaning the pain and hurt before), please stop reminding me about that person. Kung tutuusin, hindi na dapat kasi wala na naman eh. Pero ikaw, please stop doing it. For both of us. I love you no matter what. Di mo ba ramdam yun?

---Gen ♥